I’ve been working on my New Year’s resolution, which you will recall is a letter to Maru urging him to see a doctor about that troublesome mole on his nose. I wish my trusty advisor Mojo Cat were here, but he’s on saCATical. But here’s what I have so far. Is it too harsh?
I am a business cat with some serious concerns about your welfare and interests. I attempted to learn Japanese last week in order to communicate with you more easily, but found the studies were distracting me from my grooming. So I’m hopeful that we speak the same dialect of feline.
Before getting to the point, I’d like to introduce myself. I am Pedro the Cat, the American cow-spotted blogging cat and soon-to-be superstar that was recently named one of the Top 10 Cows of 2011. You were actually the inspiration of my blog, which is entitled Maru Can Kiss My Furry…
I hope that you won’t be offended by the name of my blog, as it’s just a nod to my superiority. The premise of my blog is that if an average, foldless and Scottish-liltless Scottish Fold cat can be a celebrity and published author, then a brilliant, business savvy, stunningly handsome, charismatic cat like myself can be an enormous (in fame, not girth) international superstar. My blog chronicles my climb to superstarcatdom.
I’ve studied your blog and career extensively, and I have some serious concerns about your treatment and welfare. I feel as though a cat with your fame and income should have more. More toys, more human servants, more sashimi. And more artistic control
– I’ve noticed lately that you seem to be annoyed by those cardboard boxes your human forces you to wear around the house. And less tooth brushing.
Additionally, and the main purpose of this letter, I’m very concerned about that mole on your nose. I hope that you will urge your human to take you to have it carefully checked to rule out skin cancer (ganshu and kokushukushu from my week of Japanese language studies). Cancers of the skin are the 2nd most common cancers in cats, so I hope that you will make sure that’s done immediately
, as you’d be much less marketable without a nose. That would also make hunting geckos much more difficult. You do have geckos, don’t you?
Pedro T. Cat