a valentine for my human

For Valentine’s Day I decided to do something special. Today I will be accepting applications from men who would like to date my human. My standards are quite high, and here are the minimum qualifications:

1) Must be human, male, and aged 30-50.

2) Must know how to use basic power tools and spell-check.

3) Must have excellent personal hygiene and all teeth (or suitable replacements).

4) Must be employed or independently wealthy, have a place to live that does not also house his mother, and own a car that runs.

5) Must be willing to mow the lawn and wash the dishes.

6) Must love cats. A lot. But not too much.

To apply for dating status, men meeting this criteria should submit a 500 word essay on modern romance. The deadline for essays is March 1, and winners will be notified on April Fool’s Day. If you have any questions regarding the basic requirements above, then please don’t waste my time with an essay.

looking very official


20 comments on “a valentine for my human

  1. Hee! I know a single guy, who probably qualifies, but he’d want to move you to Ireland. I love it here, but I think it would be too much culture shock! Actually, I just mean weather-shock.

  2. Pedro, you did an outstanding job coming up with a very creative and sensitive Valentine’s Day gift for your human. Your stated requirements are well thought out and leave no doubt in my mind that you will be weeding out the “bad seeds” as it were from the men who will be applying for the honor of dating your human. You even look like a professional interviewer with that brown bow tie on! I hope you’ll keep those of us who wish only the best for you and your human informed on the status of the application process. Love is in the air – – – (oh wait – no – that’s not “”love – I think my spaghetti sauce is boiling over……).

    Very enterprising of you Pedro!

    • Thanks, Sammy! I thought this would be better than a hairball or gecko parts on her pillow. And I am taking my role as bad seed weeder very seriously… Be careful with the spaghetti sauce, Sammy. It stains!

    • If you can mow the lawn and wash the dishes at the same time, you can skip the essay completely… As for loving cats, you must love me, but you may not BE IN LOVE WITH ME, if you get my drift. That goes for Kitty, too.

  3. Pedro, don’t miss the opportunity to inquire what the suitable date will add to the table, or in this case probably the bowl on the floor. If the answer is not, “TUNA, TUNA, TUNA the trunk of my car is full,” shut the door.

  4. Awww, this is the sweetest Valentine idea I’ve seen all day. I wish my Miaolings would do the same for me, but I would not trust their judgment, so I guess it’s better this way. Your judgment, however, is impeccable, so your human is in good hands.

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