I’m practicing my puppy-dog eyes. Think they’ll work?
I’m preparing for the tough conversation where I explain to my human that Grizzly is completely unsuitable as a personal assistant, so if she’s considering adopting him she needs to put that thought out of her mind ASAP.
Here are my major reasons for rejecting Mr. Grizz:
- He’s a scaredy cat. During a recent thunderstorm, Grizzly spent the whole day cowering under the bed. I expect to be able to hide my eyes in my personal assistant’s fur so I can pretend I’m in my happy place during fireworks and thunderstorms. How can I do that if my personal assistant is AWOL?
- Hygiene is absolutely essential, but Grizzly’s OCD and over-grooming doesn’t extend to his face. And when I try to help him clean up the crumbs on his chin, he acts like I’m going to eat him. And that makes me want to try to eat him, which gets me in trouble.
- Grizzly has his own teddy bear. My human gave it to him hoping that he’ll nurse on the bear instead of himself. What kind of high powered executive cat nurses on a teddy bear???
- Grizzly makes me look fat. When he’s too close to me, my fur puffs up like crazy, making me look like a 20-pounder. I’ll never get off the yucky diet kibble with him around.
- For some unfathomable reason, Grizzly is not suitably awestruck in my presence. He pretends not to know of my celebrity status and general fabulosity. Yesterday when I sat on him, instead of asking if I was comfortable, he hissed at me. Hissed!
- Grizzly is an excavator. A digger. It’s noisy and messy and just plain weird. Does he really think he might hit something new and exciting in that litterbox if he just keeps digging long enough???
As you can see, I’ve put considerable thought into the feasibility of keeping Grizzly as a permanent personal assistant before coming to the conclusion that he’s just not the right cat for the job. I’m sure that once his bum is fuzzy and our fostering stint is over, he’ll make the perfect pet for a loving furrever family. He does have a nice personality, and he’s not a bad-looking cat. But he really isn’t Businesscat material.