Pssst… I made up my mind – I’m going to brave the albino dust bunny infestation and stick it out here in my foster home. I’ve stowed away in a shopping bag in case Pedro or the human have any different plans for me.
Last week my loyal fans seemed to think I hadn’t given Grizzly enough time when I wrote my post about him not being a suitable candidate for the position of Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat. I may have sugar-coated things so as not to hurt Mr. Grizzly’s sensitive feelings. So here it is – the plain, honest truth about the two real reasons why I feel Grizzly will never be able to fill those massive shoes:
1. Our human is a horrible housekeeper.
2. Our dust bunnies are albino.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, I’m sure you all understand my decision. Soon I’ll be unveiling the creative marketing plan I’ve developed for Grizzly that I think will really showcase his strengths and help him find an adoptive family expeditiously, so my human can get back to concentrating on grooming ME.
Tonight I gave Grizzly a little cat bath to straighten up his legs and back a bit. Grizzly didn’t seem afraid that I was really just preparing to eat him, and I remembered how much I enjoyed my role as Household Hygiene Manager. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not saying that I want Grizzly to stay beyond the fostering agreement. In fact, I’m actually thinking of things on a much, much larger scale. Imagine this: Pedro the Cat’s Professional Cat Wash. You fouls ’em, Pedro towels ’em… OK, the slogan might need some work. But isn’t that a FABULOUS idea for my next career move?
Mahalo to http://green-buzz.net/photos/strange-friendships-of-animals/ for letting me use the cow-spotted goat photo without permission. (I’m guessing the photographer didn’t bother to get the permission of said cow-spotted goat, or of the little stripy rodent thing, so I don’t feel bad!)
I’m practicing my puppy-dog eyes. Think they’ll work?
I’m preparing for the tough conversation where I explain to my human that Grizzly is completely unsuitable as a personal assistant, so if she’s considering adopting him she needs to put that thought out of her mind ASAP.
Here are my major reasons for rejecting Mr. Grizz:
- He’s a scaredy cat. During a recent thunderstorm, Grizzly spent the whole day cowering under the bed. I expect to be able to hide my eyes in my personal assistant’s fur so I can pretend I’m in my happy place during fireworks and thunderstorms. How can I do that if my personal assistant is AWOL?
- Hygiene is absolutely essential, but Grizzly’s OCD and over-grooming doesn’t extend to his face. And when I try to help him clean up the crumbs on his chin, he acts like I’m going to eat him. And that makes me want to try to eat him, which gets me in trouble.
- Grizzly has his own teddy bear. My human gave it to him hoping that he’ll nurse on the bear instead of himself. What kind of high powered executive cat nurses on a teddy bear???
- Grizzly makes me look fat. When he’s too close to me, my fur puffs up like crazy, making me look like a 20-pounder. I’ll never get off the yucky diet kibble with him around.
- For some unfathomable reason, Grizzly is not suitably awestruck in my presence. He pretends not to know of my celebrity status and general fabulosity. Yesterday when I sat on him, instead of asking if I was comfortable, he hissed at me. Hissed!
- Grizzly is an excavator. A digger. It’s noisy and messy and just plain weird. Does he really think he might hit something new and exciting in that litterbox if he just keeps digging long enough???
As you can see, I’ve put considerable thought into the feasibility of keeping Grizzly as a permanent personal assistant before coming to the conclusion that he’s just not the right cat for the job. I’m sure that once his bum is fuzzy and our fostering stint is over, he’ll make the perfect pet for a loving furrever family. He does have a nice personality, and he’s not a bad-looking cat. But he really isn’t Businesscat material.
The temp has arrived! I’m so glad that the humane society agreed to let us borrow Grizzly for a while. And this is a fabulous career move for him. What cat wouldn’t want to list, “Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat” on their CV?
Unfortunately, Grizzly didn’t immediately get to work. It appears that he needs to get settled in first. I guess that’s understandable… I can hear him purring through the bedroom door, which must mean he’s excited to meet a celebrity cat such as myself.
My human offered Grizzly a temporary position on my staff, but his people haven’t responded to my person. I’m a little sad about that because Grizzly seems to have all of the attributes I know my assistant must possess: he’s a cat… And my human seems a little disappointed because she feels that giving this temp position to Grizzly is in his best interest. See, Grizzly has the feline equivalent of a mullet gone wrong – party in the front, business in the back. The poor guy is recovering from a serious flea allergy, and he’s got some bare patches… If Grizzly’s people aren’t interested in the fostering/temp thing while Grizzly’s bum gets furry, maybe someone with thumbs should knit the poor guy some pants.
Anyway, I guess the hunt for my new personal assistant must go on. So, I was thinking that I would put together an application to assist my human in the selection process. I haven’t completed the whole form yet, but I have come up with some essential questions. For those of you that aren’t feline, the correct answers are shown in green.
When spending a day at the beach, would you be more likely to be:
A) Building sandcastles.
B) Knocking over other cats’ sandcastles.
C) Cat napping.
How do you feel about feline cuisine?
A) I’m VERY food oriented. In fact, I need a snack right now.
What is your favorite sleeping position?
A) At the foot of the bed.
B) In the bath tub.
C) On the pillow.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
A) Don’t be an idiot – I’m a cat, not a tree.
C) A pussy willow.
My human has apparently gotten sick of me moping. Yesterday she went to the local humane society to interview potential prospect cats that are interested in becoming my new personal assistant. It’s a difficult job – lots of grooming, fawning, worshipping, and adoring. Thankfully, my human understands the importance of finding just the right cat for the job… But unfortunately, none of the felines at the humane society were suitable. My human did make an interesting choice, though. She’s trying to hire a temp. (She calls it “fostering”. Whatever.) I’ll keep you posted on whether or not Grizzly accepts the job of Temporary Assistant to Pedro the Cat.