Sigh… I just found out that my human actually adopted the foster cat. Grizzly is now a permanent fixture around here, and I think that means I’ll never have a competent personal assistant.
Don’t get me wrong, Grizzly is an OK cat. But he just doesn’t have any useful skills. His interdigital floof gets in the way of iPad typing as much as mine does. He doesn’t have any marketing experience. He clearly has the whole grooming thing wrong, and he doesn’t have the level of subservience that I expect. And he isn’t even a lovely girl cat with a big, floofy tail and beautiful eyes like these:
Yeah, I guess I’m a little glad that Grizzly doesn’t have to go back to the shelter. I just wish my human had taken my needs into consideration before making such a monumental decision… I hope she doesn’t make a habit of bringing home every naked cat she meets on the street.
Here’s proof of the Grizz’s coat progress. I’m not normally one to comment on another boy cat’s rear end, but have to admit that Grizzly’s bum is looking pretty good these days. Not nearly as good as mine, of course. But a huge improvement, anyway… Doesn’t it seem like this fostering gig should be over soon???
Pssst… I made up my mind – I’m going to brave the albino dust bunny infestation and stick it out here in my foster home. I’ve stowed away in a shopping bag in case Pedro or the human have any different plans for me.
I was fully prepared to hate Grizzly. I mean, really, what’s not to hate about a balding interloper with absolutely no business acumen? But I have to admit that the weird little guy is starting to grow on me. And I’m starting to think that even though The Grizz is clearly not capable of filling the position of Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat, he still might be useful…
It’s good to have a cat around for stalking and ambush practice, and Grizzly has proven himself a formidable opponent. And he has mad dust mopping skills. My human’s lack of photographic abilities means he never looks good in photos, which makes me look even better. And think of the cleanliness potential if I can harness the power of his licker… And best of all, not only is Grizzly on a special (and quite tasty) diet, his taste buds are obviously broken because he really, really prefers my awful diet kibble.
I’m not saying that I think my human should actually adopt the Grizzled Guy, but I am saying that I think it’s worth some additional thought. And in the meantime, while his bum recovers (literally!) I’ll enjoy using him as a sparring partner.
Last week my loyal fans seemed to think I hadn’t given Grizzly enough time when I wrote my post about him not being a suitable candidate for the position of Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat. I may have sugar-coated things so as not to hurt Mr. Grizzly’s sensitive feelings. So here it is – the plain, honest truth about the two real reasons why I feel Grizzly will never be able to fill those massive shoes:
1. Our human is a horrible housekeeper.
2. Our dust bunnies are albino.
Now that the cat is out of the bag, I’m sure you all understand my decision. Soon I’ll be unveiling the creative marketing plan I’ve developed for Grizzly that I think will really showcase his strengths and help him find an adoptive family expeditiously, so my human can get back to concentrating on grooming ME.
I’m practicing my puppy-dog eyes. Think they’ll work?
I’m preparing for the tough conversation where I explain to my human that Grizzly is completely unsuitable as a personal assistant, so if she’s considering adopting him she needs to put that thought out of her mind ASAP.
Here are my major reasons for rejecting Mr. Grizz:
- He’s a scaredy cat. During a recent thunderstorm, Grizzly spent the whole day cowering under the bed. I expect to be able to hide my eyes in my personal assistant’s fur so I can pretend I’m in my happy place during fireworks and thunderstorms. How can I do that if my personal assistant is AWOL?
- Hygiene is absolutely essential, but Grizzly’s OCD and over-grooming doesn’t extend to his face. And when I try to help him clean up the crumbs on his chin, he acts like I’m going to eat him. And that makes me want to try to eat him, which gets me in trouble.
- Grizzly has his own teddy bear. My human gave it to him hoping that he’ll nurse on the bear instead of himself. What kind of high powered executive cat nurses on a teddy bear???
- Grizzly makes me look fat. When he’s too close to me, my fur puffs up like crazy, making me look like a 20-pounder. I’ll never get off the yucky diet kibble with him around.
- For some unfathomable reason, Grizzly is not suitably awestruck in my presence. He pretends not to know of my celebrity status and general fabulosity. Yesterday when I sat on him, instead of asking if I was comfortable, he hissed at me. Hissed!
- Grizzly is an excavator. A digger. It’s noisy and messy and just plain weird. Does he really think he might hit something new and exciting in that litterbox if he just keeps digging long enough???
As you can see, I’ve put considerable thought into the feasibility of keeping Grizzly as a permanent personal assistant before coming to the conclusion that he’s just not the right cat for the job. I’m sure that once his bum is fuzzy and our fostering stint is over, he’ll make the perfect pet for a loving furrever family. He does have a nice personality, and he’s not a bad-looking cat. But he really isn’t Businesscat material.
Well, so far the new Temporary Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat is a complete flop. Grizzly arrived almost a week ago, and I haven’t even met him yet! And even worse, my human is spending a disturbing amount of time with him, when she could be grooming me. I understand that Grizzly is having a bad fur day (or month, maybe) but the amount of attention he’s getting is a little ridiculous. Really, how bad could it be??? I think the healthiest thing for Grizzly to do would be to immerse himself in working on a new marketing campaign for Pedro the Cat. That would certainly take his mind off of his problems…
The temp has arrived! I’m so glad that the humane society agreed to let us borrow Grizzly for a while. And this is a fabulous career move for him. What cat wouldn’t want to list, “Personal Assistant to Pedro the Cat” on their CV?
Unfortunately, Grizzly didn’t immediately get to work. It appears that he needs to get settled in first. I guess that’s understandable… I can hear him purring through the bedroom door, which must mean he’s excited to meet a celebrity cat such as myself.
Fantastic news! Grizzly accepted the position of temporary personal assistant to Pedro the Cat, and he’s ready to start training right away. I’m very excited because I could use more adoration. I’ll update you all very soon!
Aloha fans and friends! I’d like to introduce you to Grizzly:
My human offered Grizzly a temporary position on my staff, but his people haven’t responded to my person. I’m a little sad about that because Grizzly seems to have all of the attributes I know my assistant must possess: he’s a cat… And my human seems a little disappointed because she feels that giving this temp position to Grizzly is in his best interest. See, Grizzly has the feline equivalent of a mullet gone wrong – party in the front, business in the back. The poor guy is recovering from a serious flea allergy, and he’s got some bare patches… If Grizzly’s people aren’t interested in the fostering/temp thing while Grizzly’s bum gets furry, maybe someone with thumbs should knit the poor guy some pants.
Anyway, I guess the hunt for my new personal assistant must go on. So, I was thinking that I would put together an application to assist my human in the selection process. I haven’t completed the whole form yet, but I have come up with some essential questions. For those of you that aren’t feline, the correct answers are shown in green.
When spending a day at the beach, would you be more likely to be:
A) Building sandcastles.
B) Knocking over other cats’ sandcastles.
C) Cat napping.
How do you feel about feline cuisine?
A) I’m VERY food oriented. In fact, I need a snack right now.
What is your favorite sleeping position?
A) At the foot of the bed.
B) In the bath tub.
C) On the pillow.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
A) Don’t be an idiot – I’m a cat, not a tree.
C) A pussy willow.
My human has apparently gotten sick of me moping. Yesterday she went to the local humane society to interview potential prospect cats that are interested in becoming my new personal assistant. It’s a difficult job – lots of grooming, fawning, worshipping, and adoring. Thankfully, my human understands the importance of finding just the right cat for the job… But unfortunately, none of the felines at the humane society were suitable. My human did make an interesting choice, though. She’s trying to hire a temp. (She calls it “fostering”. Whatever.) I’ll keep you posted on whether or not Grizzly accepts the job of Temporary Assistant to Pedro the Cat.